How Parenting DOESN'T Work
by Sasha Braus Writes
Summary: Long story short-Levi Hates Kids. Petra hates being Taken Advantage of, and Kids Hate d couches. And Dust Bunny Land.


**(Hey Guys! It's MEEEEE I'm BAAACK! *waits for screams and cries for mercy* Nope? okay... SO Anyways... This is a little thing that I promised I'd write for CSEWriters-and to be honest, I think it'll be fun to do. Right now she's struggling to fill an air mattress screaming MEH at the top of her lungs, trying to fit the pump into the air nozzle. Also, I kind of owe her for editing my AWESOME new profile picture together.(She also made the cover art for the story Itself.) But long story short this is a Rivetra one-shot and so yeah... Sorry for rambling...****Mew mew Mew... ^ _ ^**

**Sorry.**

**Getting to the Fic Now...)**

"Levi... I Don't think that's... QUITE... how you babysit... I don't think Charlie can Breathe... In the couch..." Levi looked up from the crying child and snarled "Well if he didn't want to explore dust bunny land he shouldn't have spat up on my shirt..." I sighed. Levi had been persuaded by one of his old friends to look after little Charlie while they did some _business_-got arrested- and after an hour of my persuading he finally agreed to take the child in for a day. "After all!" I had said, scooping him up. "How much trouble could one tot BE?" Well, APPARENTLY-at least to Levi- It was more than 'we' bargained for. So far poor Little Charlie had puked on his shirt, peed himself on the white rug, and eaten Levi's Tide Cleaning Pods on accident... and for each, he'd paid the price.

Tide Pods: 'washing the kitchen floor' (Scooting around like a dog while I closed the door and did it for him-poor baby...

Peeing on the rug: Washing the rug (Again-Me. Actually, It's not really that hard to get pee out of a rug... if you do it right...)

I snatched Charlie up in my arms and ricked him a little. He stopped crying and calmed down enough to doze off. "You know, if the cops were to hear of this..." I started. Levi still sensitive over the fact that the police have his fingerprints. Of course, that hasn't stopped him from 'plotting'. Seriously. He BEGGED for nine hours for us to go watch that one movie- "The Purge"~I Hated it, I found it foul and unnerving.~ And after the movie the first thing he said to me is "If that ever happened here-where crime would be legal-you wanna know where you could find me?" I tried to drown him out by slurping my Lemonade as loudly as possible and shaking my popcorn box back and forth-but still I heard him. "Just look in the cleaning products isle, for a _handsome _man in a cleaning mask yelling 'IT'S A GOOD DAY TO BE HEICHOU!' And that'll be me. I could use you you know-you could help carry the washing machine." To which I responed by kicking his shin and walking away to Burger Hut. Whaaaat? They have good pizza-roni Fries. Anyways, I said "If the police were to hear about this..." And Levi shot me a look so sharp, that if looks could kill, half the planet would be dead. "What? It's Abuse. You're an abusive Person, Levi. We ALL know this. In fact, just the other day Oluo was talking about-" "Oh Who cares about Oluo's Opinion...?" Levi said, sitting down on the couch. I put Charlie in his crib for his well-deserved nap and sat down next to Levi. "You're just cranky. Mr. Cranky Crankerton. Cranky Cranky Cranky. You're so cranky you give crabs depression. Crabby Crabby Crabby. You out-crab crab apples." Levi just glared into my soul some more, so I ranted some more. "Cranky, Crabby, stick-in-the-mud, Heichou. that's you. You're such a stick-in-the-mud that-" Levi cut me off my pinching my lips together. "Now, I'm going to let go. When I do, you're going to stop doing that-okay?" I nodded, smiling. Levi cautiously let go and i sat there quietly like a good girl. For about ten seconds. But after that... "CRABBY CRANKY NO FUN HEICHO-" This time Levi decided to seal my lips together with a kiss. After he let go, I sat back smiling. "Still gonna say it." Levi sighed and walked into the kitchen. "CRABBY CRANKY CRABBY CRANKY CRABBY CRANKY CRA-" "Oh, that reminds me, It;s your turn to make lunch." Levi said, walking out holding a squeaky-clean frying pan. This time I sighed, and plucked the pan out of his hands. It was HIS turn-and he knew it. "Coming right up-your majesty." I said, walking into the kitchen. I put the pan on the stove and got out a pot. After filling it with water, I left it to boil. Then I went outside into our herb garden. Mmmm... Peace and tranquility. Then, i dug up a bunch of dirt, and took it inside-dropping it into the frying pan. "Leviiiii Come seee what I'm mAAAAking!" I yelled. Levi walked in, looking suspicious. The only time I ever called him in when I was cooking was to yell at him for things- like using all the tide for his Cravat Collection. "Whaaat's this...?" I smiled at him as innocent as could be. "I'm making you a Dirt-tamale!" I watched as the disgust crept across his face. "Oh, don't worry, i'm also making..." I said As I pulled the lid off the pot "BOILED ROCK STEW! Made entirely of rocks and your favorite cravat as seasoning!" "WAIT WHAT?!" Levi said, plunging his hands into the pot. He pulled out a white dishtowel, and glared at me again, while I stood there trying to look my most innocent. "Well,Gosh Golly,I must have picked up the wrong cloth! Humm... Well then, I suppose your cravat should be hanging on the towel rack." I said, gesturing to the rack with my wooden spoon. Then while Levi put his cravat back on, I put some dirt into a glass bowl and put it next to Levi's arm on the counter. "Eat up while It's still hot!" Levi finished fastening his cravat, sighed and said "I assume this is saying 'it's your turn Levi'?" I smiled and nodded, while Levi sighed and dumped the french-fried dirt into the garbage. "You win THIS time Rahl, but YOU do it tomorrow!" "Gladly." I said, walking out of the kitchen, throwing the apron on the floor. 'You know my hands are peeling from the burns, right?" Levi called in to me. I sighed and got the bandages. "Come here Heichou..." Surprisingly, he sat still and let me wipe 'dirty, nasty, gooey crap' on his hands-AKA Ointment. "Levi's been a good boy today!" I said, finishing up his bandages. "Well, for the most part." I said, remembering poor Charlie again. Levi seemed to be staring off into space. "Hello? Levi? Woo-ooh? EARTH. TO. HEICHOU. You in there Buddy?" Levi slowly turned to face me. "Yeah, I guess I just don't have that much energy today." I smiled. "Well,I know what could cheer YOU up!" I said, moving my fingers in the shape of a tape.

"Oh god no." Levi groaned.  
>"Who's that Pretty Hooorsie..." I sang<br>"Nooooo please..."  
>"Galloping through the wiiind!"<br>"I outgrew Lilac the horse nurse when I was BORN Petra."  
>"Even though she's purple and sparkly-SHE WORKS WONDERS WITH MEDICIIIIIIINE!"<br>"STOOOOPPPP!" Levi yelled, running out the door. I laughed and followed him out. He was sitting on the grass, sighing. "Hey Levi." I said, sitting down next to him. "Hey Petra." He said. We both sat in silence for a second. "Whelp." I said. "At least I DID get you moving!"

Silence.

"You Really ARE a piece of work, now aren't you?" Levi half-laughed. "Heeey... now you hurt my feelings." I grumped, leaning back against the house. Levi put his arm behind my head. "Okay, look. I'm just 'grumpy' today, I guess." The closest Levi will EVER come to a sincere apology. "Okay, i guess i can forgive you."  
>"I'll make lunch today." Levi said.<br>"And...?" I prompted.  
>"And Dinner"<br>"And...?"  
>"And I'll take you out somewhere tonight."<br>"And...?"  
>"AND- if this doesn't stop soon I'm going to drop dead from exhaustion."<br>I laughed. "Okay, You're forgiven." Then we just sat there in silence for a little while. Suddenly, a small whining sound could be hard from inside the house. "So Charlie's awake." I said, looking at Levi. "Yep, I guess he is." he said, planting another kiss on my temple, and then trudging into the house. 

Levi's Not good at Changing Diapers, either.

"NO NO LEVI THE DIRTY ONE GOES IN THE **TRASH!**"


End file.
